TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, REVENUE, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Team Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace have been a penthouse, it would include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That's the vision driving Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical improvement-slash-luxurious real estate calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Yes, the man who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. And not the usual Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we are conversing Damascus, town historically known for historical culture, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It'll be great. Tremendous!" Trump declared through a leaked golfing cart Zoom phone, streamed through the putting environmentally friendly inside Mar-a-Lago's Scenario Bunker. "We have had attractive ceasefires in Syria. Several of the ideal. But now, we are setting up them with balconies."



Welcome to the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca in the falafel stand-confused, majestic, and fully out of position. Developed by Slovenian business Ivana & Sons, the tower functions:




  • A three-flooring On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Happy Hour until finally the drone flies")




  • In addition to a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses reported combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile service provider, sighed, "We waited ten a long time for potable water. But yes, confident, let us have A further location in which American Gentlemen can don robes and connect with it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and a pillow menu, obviously."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign plan analysts are contacting this the most audacious peace endeavor considering the fact that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Even though preceding negotiations failed under the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's system is less complicated: provide Everybody a set to the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


According to paperwork printed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal consists of "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration involving rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, total with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is comfortable Trump Tower Damascus energy," claimed political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a agreement and a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO will not. Geopolitical gridlock needs less diplomats and more minibar upgrades."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mainly into gold-plated intercoms put in in each unit. The UN Distinctive Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire mentioned, "It's not that Trump should not open up a tower within a war zone. It truly is that he need to quit using it to lease ballroom Room to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned in regards to the project, replied, "You know, person, I once rode a camel in Beirut. Superior people today. Fantastic tan. Anyway, do I even now have that ice product?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a suite for "potential evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred to your tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit on the Levant."



Satellite Photographs Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit disclosed that the resort's landscaping types a large Trump head seen from Room, a feature staying marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is comprised of refugee tents along with the chin is… effectively, classified.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits soon after locating the building's gold plating reflected so much daylight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and established fireplace to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It truly is not just unattractive. It's a war crime with curtains," mentioned Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.



The Melania Wing and also other Confusing Characteristics


Probably the strangest element on the tower is its Melania Wing, which consists of:




  • A silent atrium exactly where friends may perhaps contemplate vague disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian Bed room, complete with local weather Management established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic display.




Nearby Syrians are Uncertain what to generate of this. "Is she a ghost?" questioned twelve-12 months-outdated Ahmad, pointing to the holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising Technique: "Should you Bomb It, They are going to Arrive"


The ad marketing campaign, a short while ago leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. One particular poster reads:


"Peace is Short-term. Luxury is For good."


A different slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee shops:


"A Tower So Major, Even Assad Has to Notice."


General public reception is wildly divided. A the latest SnapPoll carried out inside a hookah lounge demonstrates:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the region"




  • 29% say "this will likely escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% claimed "in which's the closest elevator on the West Bank?"





Investor Praise: "Finally, a Disaster That Pays"


The project is by now attracting focus from Intercontinental investors, together with:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who mentioned he'll invest in three penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."




According to a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial stage will likely contain:




  • A Greenback Shop of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Known as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Room According to the Iraq War





Remark Part Chaos


Over the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb article about the unveiling, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Won't be able to hold out to check out a marriage in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades in place of rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Lastly, a hotel exactly where my PTSD can have turn-down service."


Another post from @KuwaitiKardashian only requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Result


U.S. officials get worried the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real estate property Arms Race." Reviews suggest:




  • China may well open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is arranging a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly presented to construct a Tesla showroom about the Golan Heights powered by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten included. In accordance with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has offered to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the best floor "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Last Feelings in the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


In a closing ceremony that concerned a few camels, a flamethrower, along with a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed over the speakers:


"Damascus essential hope. It needed gold. It essential a waterslide formed just like the Constitution. I gave all of it a few. You're welcome."

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